Yesterday I made the statement that gourmet shaving and travel were somehow incompatible – in my experience. Let me explain. Gourmet shaving is about three things (at the very least): Time, place, and pleasure. Pleasure comes from having both the time to enjoy the experience of shaving, as well as the appropriate environment for the various paraphernalia this obsession demands. When I travel its usually for business. I stay in different hotels, each with its own level of amenities conducive or obstructive to shaving in a “proper” frame of mind. Since I am that loathsome creature – despised by purists – the “shower-shaver”, the problem is compounded by the varying levels of shaver-friendly showers in hotels.

Some hotels feature the dreaded “Economizer” shower-head that spritzes a fine mist, ostensibly to save water and the environment. Now, I have enough body-hair to make two wool army blankets – frankly, a gentle mist of water to rinse the soap and shaving cream off my corpulence simply won’t do…especially when I’m in a hurry!

Some bathtubs are designed for four-legged animals rather than human beings. Have you ever showered in one with a curved base? I have! Perhaps if I had trained with Nureyev I would have had sufficient balance and poise to stand upright in these contraptions while wielding the fearsome Slant-bar razor. But unfortunately I didn’t. Instead, I can usually be found flailing about wildly to preserve my balance, like a French Jerry Lewis impersonator mimicking the master’s movements in Cinderfella.

Then there’s the mirror. In my shower at home, affectionately nicknamed The Orgasmatron for its resemblance to that device in Woody Allen’s 1973 movie, Sleeper, I have a permanently attached four-foot high mirror. In a hotel shower I have to squint into a 3″ X 2″ “travel” mirror, named I’m sure for the fact that it regularly travels across the shower when I lose my grip on it with soapy hands. Besides…how does one use a mirror, brush, and razor without three arms,…especially when the shower curtain keeps sticking itself to my ample glutes, threatening to envelop me like some giant pastel-flowered amoeba? No smart-Alec comments please, this is a family-friendly blog!

And finally, few showers have the necessary shelf-space to accommodate all the shaving accoutrements that are “essential” to a gourmet shave: Shampoo, body-bar, wash-cloth, MR GLO, shaving-stick, shaving cream, razor, brush, and alum bar, at the very least (not to mention pre-shave oil and Total Shaving Solution)?

Compounding all these physical obstacles is the fact that I’ve usually tossed-and-turned all night, finally falling asleep by 4 AM (can’t sleep in a strange bed), and now having slept-in, must rush to get to the that first meeting across town (in horrendous traffic), while also packing and checking out from this dreaded palace-of-pain.

Vacations are not much better. While there may be the illusion of a relaxed time…there is also the reality of now-multiple people waiting for the bathroom, huffing and puffing with impatience across the paper-thin bathroom door, as I try to perform my ablutions. I usually wind up speeding everything up and inevitably slicing some body part at worst, or just getting a lousy, rushed shave, at best.

No thanks. Me, I’ll shave with Cremo Cream and two passes of a Fusion razor – when I travel – still haven’t figured out what to do about the damned mirror and shower curtain though!

Of course…YMMV…Happy travels.