Hi…My name is Steve, and I’m….a chilihead.

Hardly a meal goes by that I don’t drown everything in some noxious concoction that promises to peel the mucosa off the roof of my mouth. I’m not happy eating unless I’m sweating like a Bombay beggar on a July afternoon. The only way I know if I’m hungry…is when my rectum stops burning. I make my own spicy peanut butter by lacing a jar of all-natural with a couple tablespoons of Dave’s Ultimate Insanity Sauce. It is so freaking fantastic, I have to have it every morning on my nice crusty fresh baguette. I’ve experimented putting cayenne pepper into my coffee…and as for chocolate…wow….try sprinkling some cayenne on a bar of Lindt Excellence 99% pure dark chocolate! Heaven.

There is new research showing that there are two extreme types of eaters in the world: Hyper-tasters (they experience every taste very intensely), and hypo-tasters (subtleties are lost on them and they need to be whacked over the head to taste anything). Ironically, hypo-tasters may have lower rates of cancer and other diseases because they eat a broader variety of foods and a lot of antioxidant-laden spices and other strongly flavored comestibles.

The problem is…no one trusts me anymore. When I cook, the first question anyone asks is: “What spices did you put in here?” Every guest at my house gingerly picks at the food I serve them in order to make sure their heads don’t get blown off by some capsicum bomb.

I think I need a 12-step program.