One of the great qualities of my mother-in-law which has endeared her to me and everyone in our family is that she never offers an unsolicited opinion. And even if you ask her her opinion, she will usually qualify it by asking what you think first before presenting her viewpoint. Some consider this ingenuous, but I think it very wise, because nine times out of ten when people ask your opinion they are really only looking to validate their own rather than truly seeking a dissenting voice. I told this to a lady at a party recently and she was really offended. She said “I only ever offer my opinion once to my kids, and never re-open the issue, whether they take it or not”. I fear she missed the point and wonder just how welcome she is at her kids’ homes. An unsolicited opinion, even offered only once, can be quite painful and harmful to others.

My psychotherapy supervisor, years ago, had a great technique that I integrated into my own opinion-giving behavior. If you asked her what she thought about a given subject she would ask you in return “Do you really want my opinion?” This gives people a moment to pause and reflect on whether or not they want to hear something that might disagree with their own beliefs. Perhaps more importantly, once the person replies affirmatively, it reduces the defensiveness that is natural when hearing something we really don’t want to believe. I’ve used this approach quite successfully with my son over the years. In the past I would offer my unsolicited opinion, or even if asked, I would provide my opinion in a fairly “tell-it-like-it-is” manner. We always ended up in a fight over who was right. Since I started using the pre-qualifying approach however, he not only asks me my opinion more often, but we almost never fight. Typical interaction:

• Son: Dad what do you think about my buying a 20 year old Volkswagen and fixing it up?
• Me: Do you really want my opinion?
• Son: Yes.
• Me: I’m not sure you have the time nor the money needed to spend on such a project given that you work full-time and are in university full-time. That’s a pretty big load.
• Son (irritated): There you go, as usual, trying to burst my balloon!
• Me: Hold on, buddy. Didn’t you ask my opinion and say you really wanted to hear it?
• Son: Oh, yeah….O.K. go on….why do you think I shouldn’t do this?

Go ahead and try it with people with whom you have difficulty having an exchange that doesn’t result in an argument. It really works.