Maybe I’ll post a “Daily Stupid” experience just for fun. Let’s see how many genuine stupidities I can accumulate in a month.
Yesterday, I bought a container of Skotidakis Tzatziki dip in its new “French Onion” flavor, from Mourelatos supermarket. The expiry date was July 27th. In the evening, my son came home to forage the fridge, as he often does (we don’t mind, it’s a good chance to see him). He came into the living room and asked, “Dad, why did you buy a completely moldy container of tzatziki?”. “What are you talking about?’, I replied, “I just bought it this afternoon”. “Well”, he said, “It’s got a quarter inch of nasty, dusty mold growing in it”.
I grabbed the container, peeled back the plastic lid, and lo and behold, my son was right; it looked like a petrie dish filled with Ebola. Obviously, the inner seal had been ripped open by some yahoo who wanted to smell or taste it, then re-closed the plastic lid and put it back on the shelf in the display fridge at the store. It wasn’t worth the $5 of gas to go back to the store and return a $2.99 item, so into the garbage it went.
Yesterday, Leisureguy posted a link to this article about how being nasty and judgmental can ruin your life, and that we must adopt more positive attitudes in order to have a more pleasant life. I wholeheartedly agree. Nevertheless, there is an old Greek saying (there always is), that goes something like this:
“I want to become a saint….but the devils won’t let me”.
I thought the links in the Lifehacker article were persuasive that habitual snark was highly destructive of one’s own life, health, relationships, etc. Of course we get annoyed by inconveniences and thoughtless acts—that’s perfectly normal. But to go around looking for such things: that can be very hard on one, as explained at the link.
Still, I also would be annoyed.
I agree with the Lifehacker article with some provisos. First, the shift in attitude must be genuine and heartfelt. I believe that it if is ingenuous and is taken like a “pill” it will be counterproductive, resulting in a lot of repressed anger and hostility which can be even more harmful and may eventually “blow”.
Achieving genuine and authentic attitudinal change requires great study, meditation, discussion, etc., i.e. it is a process akin to a spiritual path and awakening. Simply “deciding” intellectually, to not be a snark is unlikely to be a positive experience.
I think that noting and talking about the various stupidities one encounters in a day can in fact be cathartic. It enables one to see one’s own participation in the stupidity, e.g. I should have checked the container by lifting up the plastic cover and seeing if the inner liner were still intact, much as I open the egg carton to make sure there are no broken eggs. It also serves to reinforce the “lessons” learned from these experiences.
Of course, if one uses the documenting of these experiences as a soapbox and source of continuing anger and resentment, it is unlikely to be healthful. But I do see the cathartic benefits of such a process. Not a huge believer in suppression of feelings if it means being ingenuous.
I agree. But I’m sure you’re familiar with the fairly substantial body research on anger that found that expressing anger had negative effects compared to not expressing it or expressing it in a calm and thoughtful way. Here’s an example. This research started in the wake of the fad of “not bottling it up” (as though anger were a compressible fluid) which (it was then thought) would lead to an explosion. Thus the pounding-the-pillow, beating things with foam clubs, and the like—”letting the anger out”. But instead of helping, research found that people were better off ignoring the situations (colloquially, “dealing with it”), or discussing in calm tones their reactions (rather than the other person’s personal characteristics). But you’re the psychologist, not me, so you probably know this research much better than I.
Yes, in fact I’m not advocating the old Encounter Bat approach, but rather that expressing the anger (possibly by writing about it in a blog or journal) in a calm and intelligent way is part of that reconciliation process of accepting that stupidity will always be with us and you can’t change everyone in the world to fit your expectations. I just am not a big fan of the “smile your problems away” approach, and I also resent the notion that telling yourself not be be a dick is in any way positive because it shifts the blame to you rather than to the offender.
There are people who do nasty stuff and they should be held accountable. Today, it’s considered politically incorrect to tell an asshole off because he opens the yogurt container, tastes it, and puts it back on the shelf. Let’s not hurt his self-esteem. Doesn’t work for me.
I just remembered the book where I got a lot of this: Anger, the Misunderstood Emotion, by Carol Tavris.
I live in the US, so I’m fully aware of the amazing prevalence of stupidity (and, I have to say, bad faith—e.g., espousing with enthusiasm a position until the opponent embraces it, and then condemning in the strongest terms the position and the opponent). And indeed I don’t see how such things can be eliminated, nor do I think they should simply be accepted. In the Lifehacker example to which you refer, though, I think the person had a moment of seeing herself from the outside—she (in that case) was being a jerk, and it is to her credit that she recognized it.
Of course, one should not accuse anyone (oneself or another) unjustly of dickish behavior, but it’s always good to recognize (in oneself or another) when dickish behavior ensues. I know we agree on that. I was just commenting on the notion that repressing anger and hostility could cause it to “blow,” when my understanding of the research (possibly incorrect) is that routine expression of anger and hostility to some extent facilitates those feelings so that they come more readily—sort of practicing a response so that it comes automatically (cf. practice in music and martial arts and the like: the more one practices, the easier the expression or behavior).
I also don’t think that problems can be smiled away—in the US, being pleasant and cooperative in the political arena has simply enabled and encouraged increasingly dickish behavior and more instances of bad faith: one must be prepared to defend his position vigorously.
I think we’re essentially in agreement: I was just focusing on one aspect of the issue.
Oh, I agree totally; the constant expression of anger and hostility can have a self-generating effect. I meant “expressing” that anger in a way that enables understanding of the limitations of change, and some peace around things “as they are” rather than as they should be according to our personal standards.
An interesting discussion from two rather clam , rational people . I find much of the anger is the result of the lack of civility , and the prevalent lack of understanding that you are not the only person on this Earth .
This is not the kind of anger that come about from “real” issues , crime , death , etc .
Just people doing mindless things and acting surprised that someone gets upset over their actions .
Little things , like just stopping their car in front of you on the street rather then pulling over . The mindless action build up , thought less co-workers , general rudeness, stopped in a traffic jam .
It is hard to stay calm at times . But I agree , the constant expression of anger and hostility can become a bad habit .
Exactly: when I commented that stupidity abounds and one must some deal with it, that is exactly a way to deal with it, as is (in some cases) direct assertive confrontation of an offender. Trying to ignore such things altogether practices another response: denial, which ultimately leads to its own terrible illusions and quixotic behavior.
Stephen Covey in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People talks about the need to distinguish things over which one has control and things beyond one’s control: to focus one’s attention and energies on the latter can lead to depression—I know from personal experience. I worked in a corporation whose president and board (about 4 or 5 levels above me in the corporate chain of command) continually made decisions of agonizing and boneheaded stupidity (from my point of view—it should be noted that I did not have all the facts), and I was continually angered by those actions, over which I had zero control, to the point where I started to become clinically depressed. Covey recommends focusing on things over which one does have control, and pre-eminent among those is, of course, one’s own feelings and behavior. On that solid ground, one can accomplish things that sometimes result in powerful effects—one thinks immediately of Mahatma Gandhi’s march to the sea in India to make some salt: an action completely within his control, but one that had far-reach consequences—and much more effective than railing against British (mis)rule. Covey gives an interesting corporate example involving a “bad” company president who was (as some CEOs tend to be) over-controlling and uninterested in input from others and one vice-president.
Though misbehavior will never be eliminated from the human condition, it is good to recognize it for what it is and to confront it when possible. If one sees someone peeling back the sealed cover of some food and then replacing it, probably the best course—rather than hitting him over the head with a cast-iron skillet, which likely would not be at hand—is to report the action to the manager, identifying the customer. Miscreants generally term such reports as “tattling,” meaning that they believe that they should be allowed to do whatever they want without suffering any consequences: people who observe it should simply allow them to get away with it. One could also confront the person directly, but the store should also be informed: it is their property that’s being vandalized.
I don’t include momentary lapses in judgment as stupidity. We all have these from time to time, especially when stressed. There’s nowhere to park and your 90 year-old mother is waiting for you at the curb; you double park, inconveniencing a load of people for a few moments. Big deal. We all have our share of those. Or you have some disability that slows you down in performing certain tasks. I don’t count any of these as stupidity.
In my mind, stupidity is the lack of sufficient intellectual capacity to figure out a task, or personality traits that make you oblivious to others and the consequences of your actions.