As the obesity pandemic sweeps the globe unchecked and unabated (even China’s rate doubled in the last 10 years), “experts” make almost daily pronouncements about how to lose weight. If you actually put them through some intuitive scrutiny however, most are downright kookie. Here are just a few of my favorites:

1. Thirst often masquerades as hunger, so if you’re hungry, drink water first and see if the hunger goes away.

No, thirst is thirst, hunger is hunger, and I can easily tell the two apart. True, if I’m hungry and drink a big glass of water (even though I’m not thirsty) it may temporarily fill my stomach, which will quell my hunger for a few minutes only to return unabated and even noisier.

2. Eat six small meals a day so that you’re never hungry and in order to “normalize” blood-sugar levels.

Maybe if you’re diabetic. But for most non-diabetics, destroying the body’s ability to feel hunger seems rather counterproductive doesn’t it? Isn’t hunger a good thing? Isn’t it the body helping you discriminate between needing and not needing food? Hey, why not have the nerve endings in your hand removed so you won’t feel pain next time you touch a hot stove element!

And, as most fat people will tell you….THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A SMALL MEAL!!!! Eating a little usually triggers the whole overeating cycle. So, telling a fat person to eat six small meals a day is a recipe for disaster.

3. Eat three square meals every day, preferably at fixed and consistent times.

Why? Is there a clock in my stomach? Am I some lab rat on a fixed feeding schedule? Whatever happened to eating when you’re HUNGRY? This is like the advice some sex therapists give to struggling couples: Fix a specific time for sex every week and keep it like an appointment. Hey, that’s really great for spontaneity and performance pressure….no wonder so many guys need Viagra and Cialis!

The biggest problem in terms of accessing your hunger, especially if you’re fat, is that you’re often eating when you’re NOT hungry. For example, lunch time is at 12 noon, but what if you’re not hungry at 12 noon? Then you come home and your family is ready to eat at 6:30 PM. But what if you’re not hungry at 6:30 PM? This externalization of control is a killer. The challenge then becomes figuring out just how hungry you really are at those externally determined times…a daunting task for someone not already in touch with their hunger.

4. Eat alone and without any distractions so that you can eat mindfully and with full concentration on what and how much you’re eating.

Funny how some of the slimmest cultures (France, Italy) seem to ignore this completely. Eating is a joyous celebration with friends and family, filled with noise and laughter. Eating isn’t just about nutrition…it’s about SATISFACTION! And satisfaction is about sensual pleasure from all types of inputs: Smells, sounds, sights, colors, words, etc. It’s about being “filled up” both physically and metaphorically.

Who dreams up this shit? None of it is sustainable and none of it actually works in the long term! I don’t know what actually DOES work, ’cause if I did I would be filthy rich…..but I know a con job when I hear one…it’s usually the one that asks you to suspend your intuitive logic and good sense.

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